Christ, what next?

Conservatives have taken aim at a new and insidious cultural trend - tolerance and goodwill during the holiday season. Bill O'Reilly, our national representative of all things good and wholesome (when he's not making dirty phone calls in the middle of the night to employees) is especially incensed, and vows "to stand up for Christmas." It seems that he along with Lou Dobbs and Charles Krauthammer are finally outraged that anyone would send cards with the message "Season's Greetings" or "Happy Holidays" because they don't want to offend their customers, clients, friends, acqaintances, family and friends who might not be Christian with a more innocuous greeting than "Merry Christmas."

Of course, anyone who has been alive in this world for more than a few years knows that the phrases "Season's Greetings" or "Happy Holidays" have been around for quite awhile -
"Should we send Hi Ho Saturnalia greetings to our customers this year?"
"No, some of them might be that new religion, you know, um, Christian, better send them a Happy Holidays parchment."
"You know, if this trend keeps up, people will forget that the reason for the season is Saturn."
And so, Romans and the world soon forgot the real reason we celebrate during this time of year, but gained the goodwill and patronage of their customers, which, if they're anything like people today, was probably alot more meaningful to them, and did more to keep their families fed and clothed that Saturn ever did.

If O'Reilly, and Lou Dobbs and Charles Krauthammer are outraged at "Season's Greetings" they might want to check with the sales department at Fox News, CNN and The Washington Post.
All three of those companies send "Season's Greetings" to their customers in the hopes of keeping their business another year, which by the way, pays the salaries of these three men. Ask the sales manager what he thinks about them making life more difficult for his sales reps with their "Merry Christmas" political crusade, I can imagine what he would say...

Ronald McDonald took to the judicial bench in Montgomery, Alabama today, wearing a robe embroidered with the Ten Commandments. Did I say Ronald? I meant Ashley McKathan who had his robe embroidered in gold with the Ten Commandments. "I had a choice of several sizes of letters. I purposely chose a size that would not be in anybody's face," he said. Well that's good - he chose a size that purposely causes everybody in the room to squint and ask each other, "what in the hell has he got written on his robes?" What stunned spectators, however, is when he, his clerk and the court reporter drove into the courtroom in a tiny car and climbed out to the amazement and exclamations of the viewing audience. The clerk doffed his top hat, snapped his whip and shouted, "Ladies and Gentlemen, kids of all ages, court is now in session, the honourable Ashley McKathan presiding - please don't leave your seats to squeeze his nose!" Judge McKathan then tripped over his big ole shoes and everyone laughed and laughed. They thought it was part of his act until the tears started flowing, although some skeptics thought they were painted on...

"Are you trying to show contempt for this court?" "No, your honour, I'm trying to hide it."

Zell Miller, victim of senile dementia, has been hired by the Fox News Channel, and they're not the least bit embarrassed by it...but then they're not embarrassed by Bill O'Reilly or Sean Hannity either, which just goes to show that the shame thermometer is always set at zero over at Fox. Zell Miller, if you recall, is the "lifelike", no, "lifetime democrat" who at the end of a desultory and unremarkable career, suddenly decided to make a complete ass of himself at the republican convention. Most people cringed at the hot vitriol and cornpone rhetoric served up on stage by this man in his dotage, but not Fox - they liked what they saw and immediately offered him a contract, which shouldn't surprise anyone. Generally, our senior citizens retire with dignity, basking in the sunset of a worthy retirement, but Zell is determined to prove that his career has been a dungheap and he's the cock that's going to stand on it and crow. You'd think he'd offer himself as the poster boy for stem cell research at the Altzheimer's Association Telethon, but fortunately cooler heads prevailed and he will continue to do what he does best - act like an ass in public.

So did the President, the only difference is that the three goofs in Oz deserved them. Bush gave the medal of freedom, the highest civilian award, to Tenet, Franks and Bremer yesterday, in a White House ceremony. Why you might ask, are three of the most incompetent, grossly negligent, inept, disastrous, catastrophically destructive, bungling, unskilled incapables receiving the highest civilian award? My guess is that the flying monkeys are managing our affairs, but then I try to be optimistic and cheerful about such things. More cynical citizens might think that the medal award was to forestall criticism and revelations in the forthcoming books - or these were the three most deserving on the list, which just makes you shudder, doesn't it? After the ceremony, Bremer, Franks and Tenet sang to the President and presented him with a lollipop. Everyone tried not to laugh, but the hairy knees were too much.

I read today that Ohio National Guard troops were courtmartialed for scrounging parts from vehicles abandoned by other units. They did this, as one soldier said, so they "could get into the fight." Now I don't know about you, but troops with this kind of spirit should be severely punished by their government, courtmartialing is not enough - they should be whipped, branded and drawn and quartered for displaying initiative and patriotism. If they let troops get away with this, the next thing you know, they'll be scrounging parts from dumps to armor their humvees and maybe even having their parents buy them body armor and God knows what else. When equipment is abandoned, it should stay abandoned - let the enemy pick it over and get what they need, there's no need for selfishness by our troops. Why they don't prefer sitting on their asses in the hot desert sun waiting for spare parts shipments is beyond comprehension. I guess troops today are just spoiled. Christ, what next, huh?

Tommy Thompson resigned his cabinet post as secretary of health and welfare with a good news/bad news joke - the bad news is that he has issued a dire warning of a flu pandemic and massive poisoning of our food supply by terrorists - the good news is that he's resigning.

Uh, we all appreciate the warning, Tommy, but I have to ask, "what in the hell were you doing the last four years?" I thought you were supposed to fix problems like that and not just pass along a heads up to us poor slobs out in Redland, you may have been too busy presiding over the loss of health care for 5 million people, a flu vaccine shortage, and a new medicare program to increase the benefits to the pharmacuetical companies, a small but suffering class of constituents, desperately in need of relief from the paltry profit they've been making from the hardhearted consumers who begrudge paying 10. a pop for a pill, but I wish you had found the time to work on this massive food poisoning thing - forget the flu pandemic, we know how you handled that problem this year...

So what about the food poisoning situation? In the news conference Tommy Boy mentioned that he was "surprised" that it hadn't happened already, and in fact, that thought kept him up at night, worrying. If he had let us know, we could all have been up all night worrying with him - maybe call each other, or instant message each other, or stand around together the next day comiserating on our lack of sleep. No, the good and faithful servant of the people kept this news all to himself and has been suffering in silence all these years.

Secretary Thompson found it incredible that the terrorists hadn't thought to do this, since we get a lot of our food from the Middle East region (which surprised me, since it never occurred to me that they were shipping food in those tankers) and according to Thompson it would be so easy for them to do. It seems that now he's turned into a regular "Hints from Heloise" kind of guy, sort of a "Tips from Tommy" for terrorists. The New York Times will probably give him a column.

The 30 second ad begins with two bouncers outside a church deciding who gets to go in - and who doesn't. Some of those turned away are gay couples and people of colour, when a narrator's voice is heard saying, "Like Jesus, we won't turn anyone away...and no matter where you are on life's journey you're welcome at our church". This ad, by the United Church of Christ has been deemed "too controversial" to air by NBC and CBS.

It seems that at least CBS is honest enough to tell you why they won't air it - they're scared witless of offending the President of The United States. Well, those weren't their exact words, but in their press release they said that since "the administration has proposed a marriage amendment this ad is too controversial..." meaning of course that the Prez might take umbrage, if he knows what it means, or just be pissed which I'm sure he knows what that means, at CBS.

So now we must assume that this administration has an office which screens ads before they're aired, and which then lets the networks know which ones they like. I guess they like the lady with the sandwich maker, because she's on for hours every day. That sandwich maker is something else, isn't it? You can throw anything in to it, old socks, newspaper, leftover ham, toy cars, even hair curlers, compress it, and out comes a delicious sandwich! Pretty much, I might add that this administration does - it throws garbage out to the press, and by the time they've compressed it, out comes the administration's policy, no questions asked.

If the administration doesn't screen ads and lets the networks know what it likes, then the networks are nervously guessing what it likes or doesn't like, or might offend the President. Sometime last week, some v.p. of advertising revenue sat bolt upright in bed at three in the morning, broke out in a cold sweat, and asked himself if the President might not like the ad. You can imagine the phone calls, the e-mails, the meetings, the memos, gushing forth during the day; "I don't care what Jesus thinks, George isn't going to like this!" Forget about piling up treasure in Heaven, it's the hell on earth that scares them, ask Dan Rather.